Borderline Bingo

I found this on Reddit (via /u/Orianthi) this morning and thought it was accurate. I can’t even write this post because I’m so easily distracted. My brain is a whir of annoying thoughts and no follow through.I am spinning in place waiting for the storm to pass. Sometimes I really believe it won’t, that this is forever, that I’m not going to feel better again, that everything I’ve been planning won’t work because I feel like this. It’s really easy to give in to those thoughts because they fit. They fit into the world view that I have because of the mood that I’m in. Continue reading “Borderline Bingo”

Goodbye forever, I mean until later

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Transitions are difficult. Husband is away for the week and I miss him. This leaves a hole that even the dogs sense. The little one is just in a constant state of existential crisis. She is mirroring how I feel. Nothing is quite “right.” I have been a little sick the last couple of days, so I know that is throwing me off as well. It lowers my shields and makes me raw. I keep trying to focus, to do things. It’s a slog, like pulling myself through mud just to find a little bit of comfort. I think an irrational part of me believes that people are never going to come back when I’m not around them. I also invent stories about what they’re thinking, particularly as it relates to me and our relationship. It becomes a battle of self talk vs defeatest thinking. I wanted to give up and curl into a ball so many times today, for so many reasons. I didn’t because I was talking to myself the entire time. Do I feel like shit? Yes. Is it partially because Husband is gone? Yeah, because it’s different (and I like him). Is it partially just chemicals on a weird mood cycle? Absolutely. It’s mostly the latter. So the internal conversation becomes “I just want to die,” and “No you don’t, you just feel like crap.” It’s very disorienting. Continue reading “Goodbye forever, I mean until later”

Mild hysteria

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Every so often my younger dog decides to lose her mind. Absolutely nothing will be happening but she’ll start to look around and yip softly, getting louder by the moment. Soon she is crooning and whining, which quickly turns into a high pitch, full-on howl. No matter what I do–cuddle her, hold her on my lap, hold her mouth closed, yell in her ear, soothe her–nothing seems to break her out of the cycle once it’s grabbed hold of her. I cannot for the life of me figure out what is happening to her in these moments. It feels like she is having some sort of existential crisis. Woe is me, I don’t know who I am anymore. I know that feeling. When I am low everything feels overwhelming. Sometimes my anxiety builds like her howls: quietly, then progressively more wildly, and finally so out of control that very few things will help me snap out of it. I have, like everyone else, many causes of anxiety and many manifestations of it. Continue reading “Mild hysteria”

We are all a little broken & that’s okay.

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I don’t feel like words today. I’ve been trying to think of something to write about and I keep coming up blank. I keep trying to think of something to do and everything falls short. I’ve learned to recognize this as part of the ebb and flow of my issues. Sometimes my brain feels itchy and nothing is satisfying. I tried easily a dozen different activities yesterday and only one held my attention for any length of time, and that was a struggle. Then I get flashes of suicidal thinking, not because they are serious thoughts but because my brain goes there reflexively. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m in these moods and to say to myself, “It’s just for now, this is just what you do, it will pass.” It doesn’t make things much more comfortable, but it does relieve some of the psychic pressure because I’m not hopeless about everything so I won’t give in to those flashes of thinking. I can keep myself above water with some work. There’s no danger here, just serious discomfort, like being cramped in a tiny space unable to get out or find a comfortable position. Continue reading “We are all a little broken & that’s okay.”

Happy 2017! Now make it awesome.

 

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I am lucky in more ways that I can explain. My family and friends support me through light and dark times, I have the ability to chase my desires, and others recognize my strengths and reward them. My latest dream is going back to school so I can get my life started again, begin a true career path. Luckily I have the first step down: actually being accepted into an appropriate program. So I was looking through all the requirements and what classes I would be taking first, and I’m so out of touch with math and science that I really need to do some serious review. Continue reading “Happy 2017! Now make it awesome.”

Enthusiasm!

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This has been a very long year. My New Year’s Eve last year was spent in Weill-Cornell’s psych unit and was thoroughly uneventful. My neck and back were broken because I had tried to kill myself in November. I made a lot of people worry, and they still do. I threatened them with loss, and that’s an awful feeling. I made a promise to myself not to end up back in the hospital this year, and I followed through. The last couple of years I had a handful of stints in the hospital so this is the longest I’ve been “free” for a long time. It seemed like if I left I’d just end up back there later. The last hospitalization was the longest and also the worst. It ate four holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. This year I don’t really have the energy for much but I did get to Christmas, and that was a big improvement over last year. I can do something tonight if I want to. Continue reading “Enthusiasm!”

I hate you, don’t leave me

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My emotions are always running high. I can feel my brain twisting and shaping my experiences, thoughts, and interactions, often to my detriment and those around me. Any fight can start out innocuously and turn into a very real fear of total abandonment. It is an annoying situation to be in when I really don’t like to depend on anyone. So I’m of two minds, the desire to depend on people and the terror of losing that support, which makes relationships very complicated. The book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” sums it up well. Both of those things can be true at the same time, and they very often are. This makes for a tumultuous home life. I love Husband, but sometimes I hate him and I am also deeply shaken by a fear of him leaving. There are still a lot of unresolved issues from the last few years, things we haven’t had time or weren’t ready to work through. Continue reading “I hate you, don’t leave me”