I hate you, don’t leave me

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My emotions are always running high. I can feel my brain twisting and shaping my experiences, thoughts, and interactions, often to my detriment and those around me. Any fight can start out innocuously and turn into a very real fear of total abandonment. It is an annoying situation to be in when I really don’t like to depend on anyone. So I’m of two minds, the desire to depend on people and the terror of losing that support, which makes relationships very complicated. The book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” sums it up well. Both of those things can be true at the same time, and they very often are. This makes for a tumultuous home life. I love Husband, but sometimes I hate him and I am also deeply shaken by a fear of him leaving. There are still a lot of unresolved issues from the last few years, things we haven’t had time or weren’t ready to work through. Continue reading “I hate you, don’t leave me”

20/20

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21) I am grateful for my sense of sight because…

I didn’t always have it like I do now. I had poor vision, could barely see clearly a foot in front of my face. I lived in glasses and contacts, got used to dry eye and headaches, all the usual run around for those of us genetically blessed. But when I hit my mid 20s I was eligible for Lasik. Your eyes stop changing around 24-25 so professionals are willing to do corrective surgery when you reach that age. I can’t remember what the specific year is. It’s been a while. So instead of Lasik I opted for something called PRK. The difference is with Lasik they make an incision and lift a flap of tissue to get the laser in to the deeper level of the eye. With PRK it’s more like they use the laser as a sandblaster, no incision, and they wear down the outside of the eye through to the lower levels. Continue reading “20/20”

Some advice and wise mind

20) What is some of the best advice you have ever received?

On my first day of college my adviser said to us, “Don’t worry about what you say. Everyone else is as concerned with what they have to say, so no one is as focused on you as you think. Don’t be afraid to speak.” Continue reading “Some advice and wise mind”

The chaos of daily emotions and good news

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My moods run the gamut of the emotional spectrum pretty much every day. Yesterday I went from extremely happy and calm to anxious and sad, to feeling suicidal and self-harm prone, and this was simply because┬ásomeone said something mildly negative. It rewrote my whole story of self. My sense of self is tenuous at best. Some days it is more solidified than others but it doesn’t take much to unravel. When I first started reading about BPD, lack of sense of self was one of the diagnostic criteria that surprised me the most and eventually made the most sense. I would say most of the time I have a sense of self but all it takes is one uncomfortable situation and I start to question everything. Like yesterday I was convinced that I was in a positive place, that what I was doing was useful and well done, and then one line of text made everything I had believed true a minute before, completely false. Continue reading “The chaos of daily emotions and good news”

Great Escapes and Silver Linings

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What does “too many books” mean?

Reading really helped me get through my times in the hospital. Our apartment is littered with books because one day I was manic and decided to order everything I might want to read while I was away at the new psych unit. When I was able to focus, when the meds weren’t draining my brain so much that I couldn’t make sense of the words, I ate books. They were great escapes. They let me leave the walls of the psych ward, escape the eyes of the staff, forget that I was feeling trapped in my own feelings. I like to read memoirs in particular. Continue reading “Great Escapes and Silver Linings”

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

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The many moods of BPD

This is by no means comprehensive, but I thought I’d throw a little information out there.

What is a personality disorder? Most people could define a mood disorder like Bipolar I, at least in general terms. They understand that BPI has extremes of depression and mania, and sometimes people go psychotic or try to kill themselves. Often they are great artists and great sufferers. It has classically been the most recognizable psychological disorder to the point that it has been used colloquially to describe simple mood swings that everyone experiences. Despite our awareness, mental illness is still stigmatized and misjudged. I have Bipolar II, for instance, which presents differently (I don’t get full blown mania with psychotic symptoms usually), but simply by saying Bipolar, a lot of people just assume you’re “nuts.” Maybe I am, but I don’t swing cats around or believe in tinfoil hats or eat dryer sheets, and I don’t hurt anybody. We all have our own kind of nuts. Borderline is a lot like BPII, with mood swings and suicidality, but it is classified as a personality rather than a mood disorder. Continue reading “What is Borderline Personality Disorder?”

Forgive me if I repeat myself

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So, my memory isn’t exactly what it used to be. Between years of drugs, hardcore meds, and ECT, I am operating at a surprisingly high level of memory. However I do repeat myself, and for that I apologize in advance (or maybe I already said a lot of what I’m about to say, so in that case I apologize in retrospect). In many ways repetition is good. As Zenyatta says, “Repetition is the pathway to mastery.” Anyway, sorry if I repeat myself. I am trying to become excellent. Continue reading “Forgive me if I repeat myself”

O Rockefeller Christmas Tree, how you suck

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I live in New York City, which is the worst place to be around Christmas time. Midtown, Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza, and now, mostly because of Trump, 5th avenue are all tourist traps and full of people both flocking home for the holidays and on vacation. It is mayhem and misery for those of us who actually need to do stuff in that area of town. Traffic is insane so it takes so much time to get anywhere, and the subways are crowded and uncomfortable (even more than their normal crowded and uncomfortable). Plus it’s freezing outside so it will be hot and sticky in the subway, or expensive in a cab or Uber. Whine whine whine. First world problems. Continue reading “O Rockefeller Christmas Tree, how you suck”

Video games, agoraphobia, recovery

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The Overwatch Crew

I’ve played video games since I was a kid, but I’ve played MMORPGs since 2007. Through them I met lots of friends and (ta da!) even my Husband. The wonderful thing about online gaming for someone with my issues is that it allows a serious sense of community and activity without actually having to go out and socialize, which is often too difficult for me to manage. For a long time after my suicide attempt I didn’t really know how to interact with people. How do you walk around in a back brace unable to explain honestly how you hurt yourself? I told a few people but not many. Continue reading “Video games, agoraphobia, recovery”