Involuntarily Committed

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I’ve checked into psych wards voluntarily a number of times. In fact, the last time I was hospitalized it started out as a voluntary sign-in and shifted to involuntary because they wouldn’t let me leave; I was too much of a risk to myself to be left alone without care. I’m not entirely clear on the process involved. I do know that they were willing to take me to court when I asked to leave. Their solution was to send me to another, longer-term facility, a solution to which I was opposed. However, if they had taken me to court, I would have lost, and I would have lost my rights, what few I still had. Continue reading “Involuntarily Committed”

Questions, please

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In my small corner of the internet, I try to talk about the things that interest me and I think might interest others, but I haven’t covered very much ground. So, I was wondering if YOU had any questions, either about me, about mental illness, or life in general, that I could attempt to answer. Throw them down in the comments and we’ll see what happens.

Restraints and Stigma

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I have been watching a lot of TED talks lately, inspired by a video my psych professor shared with us about mapping the brain. Late at night I’m often too tired to be productive but too awake to go to sleep, so watching talks is the perfect activity: I learn, I’m absorbing, but I have to expend very little energy. I’ve been focusing mainly on neuroscience and psychology talks, to bolster my understanding of the brain for class and life in general, since this is the field I would like to enter. I encountered one that I really identified with and I would urge you to watch it. Elyn Saks, a law, psychiatry and pscyhology professor, speaks about her own mental illness and the general stigma of having a MI in the world today. Elyn has schizophrenia, one of the more debilitating MIs, but also treatable with proper care. Continue reading “Restraints and Stigma”

Friday the 13th is good luck

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I am on a very normal sleep schedule, which is weird. I haven’t been able to sleep past 7 in weeks and I go to bed by midnight usually. Lately I’ve been waking up at 5 or 6. I love the early morning hours. My brain is awake, I feel creative, I feel like there is possibility to the day but I have time to collect myself before I have to do anything. This is the time when I do most of my writing. It feels clear and fresh. I will say that I am so tired by the end of the day that it’s hard to stay up until a reasonable bedtime. Last night was about six hours of sleep, which is fine. I should get more but I don’t need to be awake for anything serious today, just fun stuff. This is a departure from my depressive episodes when I sleep constantly. Even last week when I was sick I sunk into days of sleep just to get through it. Continue reading “Friday the 13th is good luck”

Goodbye forever, I mean until later

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Transitions are difficult. Husband is away for the week and I miss him. This leaves a hole that even the dogs sense. The little one is just in a constant state of existential crisis. She is mirroring how I feel. Nothing is quite “right.” I have been a little sick the last couple of days, so I know that is throwing me off as well. It lowers my shields and makes me raw. I keep trying to focus, to do things. It’s a slog, like pulling myself through mud just to find a little bit of comfort. I think an irrational part of me believes that people are never going to come back when I’m not around them. I also invent stories about what they’re thinking, particularly as it relates to me and our relationship. It becomes a battle of self talk vs defeatest thinking. I wanted to give up and curl into a ball so many times today, for so many reasons. I didn’t because I was talking to myself the entire time. Do I feel like shit? Yes. Is it partially because Husband is gone? Yeah, because it’s different (and I like him). Is it partially just chemicals on a weird mood cycle? Absolutely. It’s mostly the latter. So the internal conversation becomes “I just want to die,” and “No you don’t, you just feel like crap.” It’s very disorienting. Continue reading “Goodbye forever, I mean until later”

We are all a little broken & that’s okay.

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I don’t feel like words today. I’ve been trying to think of something to write about and I keep coming up blank. I keep trying to think of something to do and everything falls short. I’ve learned to recognize this as part of the ebb and flow of my issues. Sometimes my brain feels itchy and nothing is satisfying. I tried easily a dozen different activities yesterday and only one held my attention for any length of time, and that was a struggle. Then I get flashes of suicidal thinking, not because they are serious thoughts but because my brain goes there reflexively. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m in these moods and to say to myself, “It’s just for now, this is just what you do, it will pass.” It doesn’t make things much more comfortable, but it does relieve some of the psychic pressure because I’m not hopeless about everything so I won’t give in to those flashes of thinking. I can keep myself above water with some work. There’s no danger here, just serious discomfort, like being cramped in a tiny space unable to get out or find a comfortable position. Continue reading “We are all a little broken & that’s okay.”

Happy 2017! Now make it awesome.

 

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I am lucky in more ways that I can explain. My family and friends support me through light and dark times, I have the ability to chase my desires, and others recognize my strengths and reward them. My latest dream is going back to school so I can get my life started again, begin a true career path. Luckily I have the first step down: actually being accepted into an appropriate program. So I was looking through all the requirements and what classes I would be taking first, and I’m so out of touch with math and science that I really need to do some serious review. Continue reading “Happy 2017! Now make it awesome.”

I hate you, don’t leave me

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My emotions are always running high. I can feel my brain twisting and shaping my experiences, thoughts, and interactions, often to my detriment and those around me. Any fight can start out innocuously and turn into a very real fear of total abandonment. It is an annoying situation to be in when I really don’t like to depend on anyone. So I’m of two minds, the desire to depend on people and the terror of losing that support, which makes relationships very complicated. The book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” sums it up well. Both of those things can be true at the same time, and they very often are. This makes for a tumultuous home life. I love Husband, but sometimes I hate him and I am also deeply shaken by a fear of him leaving. There are still a lot of unresolved issues from the last few years, things we haven’t had time or weren’t ready to work through. Continue reading “I hate you, don’t leave me”

20/20

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21) I am grateful for my sense of sight because…

I didn’t always have it like I do now. I had poor vision, could barely see clearly a foot in front of my face. I lived in glasses and contacts, got used to dry eye and headaches, all the usual run around for those of us genetically blessed. But when I hit my mid 20s I was eligible for Lasik. Your eyes stop changing around 24-25 so professionals are willing to do corrective surgery when you reach that age. I can’t remember what the specific year is. It’s been a while. So instead of Lasik I opted for something called PRK. The difference is with Lasik they make an incision and lift a flap of tissue to get the laser in to the deeper level of the eye. With PRK it’s more like they use the laser as a sandblaster, no incision, and they wear down the outside of the eye through to the lower levels. Continue reading “20/20”