I feel like I am always nervous about something. Whether it’s “simple” like going outside or complex like getting into nursing school, there’s always something weighing on my mind. Today is a good day because my piece was actually published on Bring Change 2 Mind. I’ve spent the last couple of hours talking to people and tracking it on social media to see how it does. I’m pretty proud of it. But there’s still a nagging feeling that I’m missing something, that this is an illusion, that I shouldn’t actually feel good about it happening. I was so happy I could cry and then I realized I was overwhelmed and actually wanted to cry. I have such mixed feelings when things go well for me (I actually typed when things go badly first, if that says anything). I feel like a fraud, I feel like no one should actually be reading what I write, I mean, who am I to speak out about this stuff? I’m just a bipolar, borderline, depressed agoraphobe sitting at home in her pajamas, too afraid to go outside because I might have a panic attack.
Fear holds us back from a lot of things. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of other people, fear of not being with other people. It’s all very contradictory and messy. My fears morph and evolve depending on what’s going on. If I’m in my classes, the fear is that I’m going to fail and never make it to my goal. If I never make it to my goal, I have no idea what else to do, no back up plan. If I do make it to my goal, will I actually be able to function as a working human? I fear that my marriage will fall apart. I fear that all of my friends secretly hate me. I fear that I’m not doing enough for my animals. I fear that everything I do is actually worthless. I fear that my writing is tolerated out of pity. I fear for our country and the healthcare crisis that looms. I fear that I’ll never have children, or that I’ll have children and screw them up because of my mental illness. I fear having another miscarriage. I fear getting so depressed that I want to kill myself.
Living in fear is no way to live. It is a way to be trapped, stagnant, and it doesn’t attract any positivity into your life. Like attracts like, right? That’s what the self-help books say. I just want to be connected to the Great Whatever out there, to feel confident in myself and to trust that I sort of know what I’m doing. I want to be able to trust my friends and my family when they show affection for me. I want to go after my goals and my dreams and not question my ability every 5 seconds. I don’t want to be ruled by fear. I want to be ruled by awesomeness.
I used to call myself chronically awesome, in part because I was chronically sick all of the time thanks to lingering Lyme disease, but also as a way to say that I’m faking it til I make it. I am capable, I am intelligent, I am motivated, and I do want to accomplish my goals. I have been working very hard the last 7 months to get where I need to go, and I will continue working as long as I need to.
The fears will be there, but hopefully their voices will dwindle into the background as my confidence grows.