I feel like I am always nervous about something. Whether it’s “simple” like going outside or complex like getting into nursing school, there’s always something weighing on my mind. Today is a good day because my piece was actually published on Bring Change 2 Mind. I’ve spent the last couple of hours talking to people and tracking it on social media to see how it does. I’m pretty proud of it. But there’s still a nagging feeling that I’m missing something, that this is an illusion, that I shouldn’t actually feel good about it happening. I was so happy I could cry and then I realized I was overwhelmed and actually wanted to cry. I have such mixed feelings when things go well for me (I actually typed when things go badly first, if that says anything). I feel like a fraud, I feel like no one should actually be reading what I write, I mean, who am I to speak out about this stuff? I’m just a bipolar, borderline, depressed agoraphobe sitting at home in her pajamas, too afraid to go outside because I might have a panic attack. Continue reading “Fear of the Month Club”
I wrote a post for Bring Change 2 Mind, Glenn Close’s mental health charity, and it got published! Now you all get to know who I am. I am conflicted about this but I’m proud of this piece so I’ll share it anyway!
I bet sometimes you feel like you just don’t want to leave the house. You’d like to stay in and do nothing or goof off or just chill. Imagine feeling like that all the time, except it’s pathological and the mere thought of leaving the apartment is terrifying. This is what it’s like to live with agoraphobia. I am bipolar, I suffer from bipolar depression more often than mania, and I have panic disorder which has led to me sometimes falling prone to agoraphobic tendencies. It starts slowly, with me falling deeper into a depression and ends with me literally trapped inside the apartment because everything outside is panic-inducing. Trying to explain this to people is difficult, which is why I thought I’d give it a shot here. I read one account, a book called “Agorafabulous” which was an excellent description of what it’s like to live with agoraphobia, and one that I recommend if you’re curious about the subject. But aside from that book there isn’t much writing out there about living with agoraphobia, just “how to bust agoraphobia with this one trick,” etc. Yikes. There is no one trick. I’m sorry. It requires work. Therapy, meds, work. Lots of work. Did I mention work?
Continue reading “Agoraphobia and The Great Indoors”