Staying Afloat

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In times of trouble, I always find myself writing. I journal, I write to people, I blog, I tweet, I go on Facebook, etc. Written words are how I exhale my feelings. I can process them because I put names to faceless feelings and give them life. It allows for a conversation instead of a monologue. It’s the best way I know to work on feeling better.

Yesterday I used a lot of words. I wrote, I talked to people, I saw my therapist, I was honest about the place I was in and the needs I had and it paid off. I feel better today. This is probably also because I’ve been taking my Xanax every day and doubled up on my Abilify, but I’m also sure that it’s a combination of me actively working to feel better and my meds helping me to get there.

Right now I am just afloat, waiting to see how functional I can be. I’ve talked to some incredibly thoughtful people in the last few days and they have helped support me tremendously. Even a bunch of likes on Twitter makes me feel better because I know I am connected to somebody (somebodies) and I’m not alone in my struggles. I want to help people, but sometimes I have to ask for help.

I’m still very sensitive right now. The slightest provocation has me crying right now. Not fierce, ugly tears, but just the, “Wow this is a sad movie moment,” kind of drizzle. I cried through my class on Monday and no one noticed because I  managed to play it off like I was just tired and rubbing my eyes. And the thing is that I’m not sad about anything in particular, I’m just raw so when anything pushes on my emotions even a little bit, it creates a ripple effect that vibrates through my being and pushes the tears to the surface.

I spoke briefly last time about PMDD. I blame it for how I’m feeling right now. I also now know that there are some amazing resources out there to learn more about it. For instance https://giaallemandfoundation.org has a lot of really useful information. I’ve talked with them on Twitter and they are very interested in raising awareness about PMDD and mental health and women’s issues in general.

Another new campaign that launched this last week was by Bring Change 2 Mind called Talk to Anyone. Don’t know how to start a conversation with a friend or loved one or employer about your mental health? Try the talk tool! It generates relevant statements to begin a conversation about your mental illness. Like, for me if I wanted to discuss Borderline Personality Disorder with a friend I could say: “You know how sometimes you overreact to things? Something pretty normal happens, but for whatever reason, it makes you way more upset than it should? Now imagine [reacting] irrationally on a regular basis with no warning and it feels as though you can’t control it. I try to slow it down and breathe, but I’m not always successful.” I think that’s a pretty good jumping off point for BPD and leaves a lot of room for the other person to ask questions.

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These are some hybrid tea roses I found at our bodega. They really caught me off guard with their unique beauty. It also reminded me, because I was coming home from the therapist, that I needed to stop and smell the roses. Life is short, life is rough, but it can be joyful as well as long as we look at it the right way. So, I am thankful for beautiful tea roses on the gross NYC streets. I am thankful for all the people that I interacted with who gave me nothing but positivity in return. I am thankful that my husband is kind and willing to do favors for me when I’m having a bad day. And I am thankful that I have the opportunity to go to school for something I hope I will end up loving (I think I will), even if that’s years away.

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