Balance and whatever


I have been in the weirdest mood lately. I feel good. I feel well. It feels totally fucking foreign.

It has been a really long time since I had a stable streak. Sometimes I get confused because I think I should be feeling something negative. For a while there I was really stressed by school and by moving, by some interpersonal problems and little things, but for the last few weeks I’ve been in a particularly good place. Honestly even before that, throughout the entire semester, I was in a pretty stable place. I would get stressed but I could handle it. The worst times would always be if I missed my meds for a few days, then I would lose myself a little. I had a few times through the semester where I felt out of it for a while, but I was always able to tell myself that “this too shall pass,” these feelings aren’t forever. This may seem obvious to most of you: that negative feelings aren’t forever. It is, however, something I tend to forget. It’s a BPD thing. When things are bad, it’s hard to imagine anything else. When things are good I just assume they’ll get bad again. I’m not assuming that right now, though I know there are always going to be ups and downs. Even my therapist today was saying how great it was that I hadn’t cut in almost two years, that I have been stable more or less for a good length of time, that my medication seems to be balanced and working as planned, and that ECT really made a difference in how I am as a person. Even though I’ve had some problems lately and things are never perfect, I’m handling them like a real person would: without a mental breakdown. Huzzah!

My embarrassing moment of the day was when I stopped into Urgent Care. I have been putting this off for a while because it’s just so sad. Today I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. My engagement ring and my wedding ring were totally stuck. I tried everything. Soap, ice, you name it. The trouble is I’ve been wearing my rings for almost two years and in that time I gained a LOT of weight. What I didn’t do was take my rings off. So I gained around them. Today I walked into Urgent Care and said, do you have the tools to cut these off of me? Luckily they actually have a tool called a ringcutter for this very thing. “How did this happen?” Well, you see I had to take Zyprexa because I was going insane, then Seroquel, and Lithium, not to mention all the other drugs, and they screwed me over. “Oh, I see. Well we’ll get them off for you.”

They were very nice about the whole thing. One RN even said I was her easiest patient all day. The hard thing about this was that even though all I needed was a ring cut off, they also wanted to know all the medications I was taking, the reason I was taking them, how this happened and why, etc. So, great, I have to say I’m bipolar, these are the millions of pills I take every day, I had major surgery when I broke my neck (luckily they didn’t ask how), and the crazy pills made me fat. Plus I’m negligent because I’ve let them be stuck for a long time, not taking them off when I noticed they were tight in the first place. So, although I managed to keep my heart rate under control, I was cringing internally. The shame of this was almost overwhelming. I kept myself busy by talking to friends and trying to make light of it. The whole thing made me nervous.

Happy ending to the story though, sort of. I’m not trapped in my rings now! I was beginning to find it really claustrophobic. Now to take the rings in to the designer. “So, uh, what happened?” Well it’s kind of a funny story…

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