At the end of my personality

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I watched “Bright Lights” the other day when HBO released it. This “in memoriam” documentary about Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds was adorable. I had no idea Debbie was such a collector of Hollywood memorabilia. She was showing off Judy Garland’s ruby slippers. The most heartbreaking aspect, though, was listening to them banter about Debbie’s failing health and what Carrie wanted from the inheritance. Knowing that Carrie would go first and Debbie would follow made watching them very sad. But it is an amazing little piece of film with lots of home video footage and very private looks into their lives. Carrie’s house was amazing, so eclectic.

My favorite moment came when Carrie was a little manic and started spouting wisdom. She said, “I wish I could reach the end of my personality…and lay in the sun.” That just struck me as such a wonderful sentiment. When you’re bipolar, it’s like there’s always something new, something more. The same is true for Borderline in many respects. Carrie felt like she was a tapestry of extremes, ever-expanding into new realms of personality and experience. Sometimes I feel like that too. I swing depressive much more often than I swing manic, but I have cycled through personalities and hobbies and beliefs enough to know what it feels like to always have something new on the horizon. There is a chaotic consistency, once you realize that your interests are subject to frequent change and  your core beliefs may fluctuate.

I have had so many hobbies and goals and dreams and pursuits. I get extremely invested, very quickly, in every one. Some of them I maintain but a lot of them fall by the wayside when I lose interest. It’s like being a kid writ large. When I learned about hypomania and mania for the first time, so much fell into place for me. I finally understood part of why I dive headlong into things and don’t follow through. BPD is another factor as Borderline can affect your ability to pay attention and your ability to maintain a stable sense of self. When your idea of “who you are” changes so frequently, it’s almost impossible to maintain a set repertoire of activities. I’ve definitely gotten better at recognizing when this is happening to me and meds + therapy have improved the situation drastically.

I would love to reach the end of my personality and lie in the sun. To bask in who I am. It’s likely I’ll never get there, but that just means I have the rest of my life to grow, and that’s ok too.

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