I found this on Reddit (via /u/Orianthi) this morning and thought it was accurate. I can’t even write this post because I’m so easily distracted. My brain is a whir of annoying thoughts and no follow through.I am spinning in place waiting for the storm to pass. Sometimes I really believe it won’t, that this is forever, that I’m not going to feel better again, that everything I’ve been planning won’t work because I feel like this. It’s really easy to give in to those thoughts because they fit. They fit into the world view that I have because of the mood that I’m in.
This is why it’s important to practice positive thinking and activities that promote it. My first step is acknowledging that I feel like shit. Once I’m aware of it and not just feeling it, I can break down why. If I can’t figure out why, that’s ok, I don’t really need to, it just helps. Then I can employ the self-talk weaponry in my arsenal.
I’m simultaneously downloading a game that I think will make me happy and allow me to focus, while crying and wanting everything to go away. Everything is frustrating me. I feel like I just want to pull my hair out. The dogs are driving me insane, I don’t feel well, communication is insanely difficult…it’s a fucking rollercoaster. Nothing is the same from one minute to the next. I feel mad. Not at anything in particular, just at life in general. I would like to start functioning well, now, today, this moment, in an hour, sometime soon, anytime.
The longer this goes on the more real it feels and I know it’s not my whole truth. A couple of days ago I was ok. This minute I’m better than five minutes ago. I don’t want to be dead, I just don’t want to exist right now. I want a bubble and a coma until this mood wears off.
There is one term on that board that not everyone might be familiar with, especially as it relates to BPD. I found a quick review that breaks it down. Basically it lines up with black and white thinking, all or nothing, good or bad, no gray areas.
Splitting is a term that describes difficulty with the ability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs about oneself or others. In other words, positive and negative attributes of a person or event are not joined together into a cohesive set of beliefs. It’s both a distorted way of thinking and a coping mechanism used to keep yourself from feeling hurt or rejected.
Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder
Splitting is actually one of the nine symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD) listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
Splitting is a very common defense mechanism in people with BPD, leading sufferers to view others, themselves and life events in all or nothing terms. For example, a person with BPD may view one family member as always good and another as always bad.
Because of splitting, it is difficult for individuals with BPD to recognize that good people sometimes do things imperfectly or make mistakes. The experience of splitting is very confusing and frustrating for people with BPD and their loved ones. Splitting can interfere with relationships and work life, and can lead to intense anger and self-destructive behaviors.
Examples of Splitting
Example 1: Sophia gets laid off of her job because of budget cuts. She tells herself and everyone in her life that she’ll never get another job again.
Example 2: Eva has a new boyfriend who she describes as “perfect” and “amazing.” She feels deeply in love. Her boyfriend reveals a bad habit that she doesn’t like, so she refuses to speak to him for days because she no longer sees him in a positive light.
Example 3: John goes back and forth all day between feeling like he’s a really great person to feeling like a terrible, even evil, person.
Words That Indicate Splitting
If you are using these words, you are likely splitting:
HARK YE FELLOW TRAVELERS! IT’S NOT ALL BAD! My stomach is in turmoil and my head is in peril, so something like this isn’t great for the moment, but some of the adjectives do still apply. AND the more I think about each adjective, the more evidence I can bring to the light side, which in turn makes the darkness more bearable. This will pass. I’ll be ok again. It just sucks.