Transitions are difficult. Husband is away for the week and I miss him. This leaves a hole that even the dogs sense. The little one is just in a constant state of existential crisis. She is mirroring how I feel. Nothing is quite “right.” I have been a little sick the last couple of days, so I know that is throwing me off as well. It lowers my shields and makes me raw. I keep trying to focus, to do things. It’s a slog, like pulling myself through mud just to find a little bit of comfort. I think an irrational part of me believes that people are never going to come back when I’m not around them. I also invent stories about what they’re thinking, particularly as it relates to me and our relationship. It becomes a battle of self talk vs defeatest thinking. I wanted to give up and curl into a ball so many times today, for so many reasons. I didn’t because I was talking to myself the entire time. Do I feel like shit? Yes. Is it partially because Husband is gone? Yeah, because it’s different (and I like him). Is it partially just chemicals on a weird mood cycle? Absolutely. It’s mostly the latter. So the internal conversation becomes “I just want to die,” and “No you don’t, you just feel like crap.” It’s very disorienting.
On a completely unrelated note, I so frustrated with the gaming community. This goes for the internet as a whole, but in particular games with voice chat. I have been called every derogatory word there is for “woman” in my time on Overwatch, it’s unbelievable. It’s not just people randomly saying “bitch” or whatever in typed chat, because everyone does that and it’s not seriously gender driven. In voice chat, however, as soon as someone hears a female voice, the flood gates open and a torrent of “whatever I want to say about women” comes rushing out. It dissuades me from speaking a lot of the time. Easier for everyone just to believe I’m a man than deal with the extra layer of shit talking on top of the shit talking. That makes me sad. Still, in a fairly young community, we are so OK with this kind of misogynistic crap that it’s common place. Yes, women are a minority in the gaming community as a rule, but there are a lot more female gamers now than ever before. Regardless, it doesn’t give anyone leeway to treat people the way some male gamers decide they can treat girl gamers.
The most recent experience I had was someone who unleashed literally every “bad” word you can call a woman at me, followed by a weird pseudo-seduction. “Hey, can I add you on teamspeak? Hey, you single? MMmm.” Granted he was a particularly offensive creeper and my guy friends were equally as upset by his torrent of slurs as I was. I am reminded of this because of an experience a friend had today in the real world being called a “dumb woman” and denied service. Sometimes I just cannot believe that we are still so close minded as a society. I’m sorry, women shouldn’t receive that treatment simply because they’re women. I know I’m lucky as an American. We are far ahead of a lot of the world, but we still have so far to go.
More love, less hate, less creeping, less idiocy. Please. (I will say that girl gamers can be annoying and there is a reason for stereotypes, but that is no excuse for the despicable behavior some of these guys engage in.)
Here’s a comic.