We are all a little broken & that’s okay.

all-a-little-broken

I don’t feel like words today. I’ve been trying to think of something to write about and I keep coming up blank. I keep trying to think of something to do and everything falls short. I’ve learned to recognize this as part of the ebb and flow of my issues. Sometimes my brain feels itchy and nothing is satisfying. I tried easily a dozen different activities yesterday and only one held my attention for any length of time, and that was a struggle. Then I get flashes of suicidal thinking, not because they are serious thoughts but because my brain goes there reflexively. I’ve learned to recognize when I’m in these moods and to say to myself, “It’s just for now, this is just what you do, it will pass.” It doesn’t make things much more comfortable, but it does relieve some of the psychic pressure because I’m not hopeless about everything so I won’t give in to those flashes of thinking. I can keep myself above water with some work. There’s no danger here, just serious discomfort, like being cramped in a tiny space unable to get out or find a comfortable position.

What do you do when your brain feels like nothing? I’m trying to simply acknowledge that I feel this way (empty, confused, frustrated), and remember that feelings are temporary and there is no situation making my life “bad” at the moment. I want to treat myself with kindness and understanding.

So I tried: reading several different kinds of books, working on math problems, talking to friends, playing Destiny, playing Overwatch, writing, listening to music, playing with the dogs, cleaning, running a couple errands, etc. Everything felt like a slog, like I was dragging my brain through mud.

For now, it’s not as important to figure out why I feel this way as to manage the symptoms and not be angry with myself for feeling this way. It’s easy to jump to blame. “You’re a terrible person and a waste so everything is worthless.” As a result I have a constant, streaming dialogue: “I feel like shit. It’s ok you are not shit. But I feel terrible. It’s ok to feel terrible, because it will pass. But I don’t want to do anything. That’s ok too. Just be kind to yourself for the moment and you will feel better more quickly, you know that. Fine, I’ll do what I can. That’s the spirit.” Then this repeats, over and over ad infinitum, or at least until something clicks and I feel better.

So hopefully I will feel more sane later, but it may take a minute. I just have to have patience.

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