Trying not to do nothing

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I’m so bored because I have things to do but I don’t know where to start and I feel this draw to write. So here goes. Back to the prompts.

9) “Tell me about an adventure you would love to have.”

I have never seen a great wonder. I would like to go to Egypt and see the Pyramids, to be near that ancient history and place myself in the shoes of the ancient people who lived and died for the construction of them.

I’d like to take Hubs and just travel to interesting places. Take him to the big ones he’s never seen and go into tiny places that are amazing but off the beaten path. I’ve never been to Asia, we could bop around to Nepal and Japan and maybe China though it scares me quite a bit, and I’d like to see Thailand. The new seven wonders, like the Taj Mahal, are on my bucket list.

I want to take Hubs to Paris in the spring so he can smell the air. It’s so unique, there’s nothing like it anywhere else in the world. Sometimes in NYC with my windows open at just the right time of year I can almost smell that same scent of Paris and it brings me back there immediately, transporting me to the cobbled streets and wafting boulangerie smells. Since he eats bread now, I want to take him into the best pastry shops and bakeries to get the most wonderful goods. Something as simple as a jambon buerre (ham and butter) on a baguette will change the way he tastes sandwiches forever.

I’d love to take him to Rome, Venice and Florence. Rome for the ruins and the Vatican and all the little alleys that twist and turn. Venice because it will sink in our lifetime and if we don’t go now he’ll never get to experience the delightful feeling of hopping into a water taxi to get to the other side of town, or over to san murano, or taking a gondola just because. Florence is one of my favorite cities because of the museums, like the Uffizi. I found some of my favorite art there. The Duomo is there and that puts so may other buildings to shame. I’d like to experience these again with more adult eyes that can stare with scrutiny beyond just wonder.

10) “Write about a dream you can remember. Go into as much detail as possible, fill in the gaps with your imagination. Capturing your dreams in a mind-gap can also be a good source of inspiration for a later date.”

There is one dream about a huge tree covered in giant white Christmas lights that I still remember vividly even after eight years. The tree had passages ways that wound up and up to the top where there was a crow’s nest, but the passages were difficult to navigate and had tricks like in a video game. Sometimes I had to bounce on a trampoline to get to the next level up. It was a beautiful tree, looking somewhat like the huge Animal Kingdom tree in Disney World but darker wood and no carvings, obviously. There was someone on top of the tree who was taunting me to get up. Eventually I developed the ability to walk through some walls which made the puzzles a little easier.

I think I’ll come back to this one.

11) “Tell me about one of your most memorable experiences with nature.”

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It was 2003, I was 18, drunk, and having a mystical experience in Glastonbury, England. There is a huge hill called Glastonbury Tor just out of the center of town that is also the supposed mythical location of isle of Avalon in the Arthurian legends. It has a very long and winding path you can take to get to the top, which has one of the more breathtaking views I’ve ever seen first hand. England is very flat in that part of the country, so when you go up on this hill you can see everything for miles and miles in every direction. So one night my comrades and I went out to eat and drink, then we decided to hike up the Tor in the dark to see the view. It was a long walk but  I was young and strong and having a great time. When we got to the top, we could see lights in every direction. I found Venus in the sky, aligned myself with her, sat in a meditative pose and simply absorbed the moment. It felt like every human in the world was a light, a pin point, starting with the lights I could see from where I was, and the longer I focused on this feeling the more connected I felt to the world. It was definitely one of the most mystical experiences I’ve had, and the greatest one in the outdoors.

12) “Make a list of all the things you would do or buy if you won the lottery jackpot.”

This list is so long!

First I would pay off all of my family’s debts and mortgages and whatever so that we owned everything outright. I would buy myself a home, outright, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about that. I would donate a bunch to some charities close to my heart so I could feel like I made a real difference without taking away from anyone else (i.e. taking family money). I mean, depending on how much money there was, I would buy all my in-laws houses and pay off their debts so that they could consistently live comfortably. Then, I would do the same for my best friends who needed it. After that I would probably found a company, maybe an animal rescue or mental health awareness charity, that I could work on and make a difference with. If I had my nursing degree, I’d probably buy my own practice and become a Nurse practitioner. (Still waiting on the post-bac application results, oy). I would start college funds for our theoretical future kids, for my niece and nephew, and for my sister’s theoretical future children. I would pay someone to organize all of my belongings and sell useless things, or donate them. I would want to buy a fancy vacation home somewhere tropical so I could always get somewhere sunny if I wanted to. It would make me a happier person. I would probably move to California because life is better there. Malibu or Santa Monica preferably, though the Bay area is nice too. I would hire an accountant, a dog walker, a personal assistant, and a trainer who came to my house. I would build a personal gym, and I would want to live somewhere that I could bike easily, near the water so I could paddleboard. I’d need a yard so we could have many dogs, and an indoor space for them to haunt when I need to lock them up.

13) “What are you waiting for?”

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My very first thought: What you waiting for – Gwen Stefani

I have been waiting to feel better. After the first miscarriage time stopped for me in a way. Everything was pain and recovery, pain and recovery, over and over again. The second miscarriage reset the clock again and put me back on the path of pain. That one was the hardest. I was waiting to feel better, for the pain to subside even a little but it didn’t. I had to resort to ECT, to hospitalizations, to more meds than I can’t usually recount. Finally waiting for the pain to go away was too much so I tried to die. “Time goes by so slowly, I don’t know what to do” – Hung Up by Madonna. Time heals wounds but it moves so slowly that I get impatient (or inpatient as case may be, har har har). Now, since I was released in January, I’ve been waiting, again, for wounds to close, for scars to heal, to feel safe if something bad happened. I have come a long way, both physically and emotionally. Thinking about the bad events doesn’t reduce me into a pile of nothingness, I can use “wise mind” and see how it’s a thing that happened but it doesn’t define my current moment and it doesn’t have to define my mood. Borderlines are extremists. It’s part of the job description. So not reacting to thoughts takes a surprising amount of practice and effort. I’m waiting for my school application response to make any real movement forward. I’ve been holed up at home for months, until the other day when I went to Therapist and to Louis C. K. at MSG with 12,000 of my closest friends. Mostly I’ve been waiting for my body to heal: it’s still painful to be out for any length of time. I was in so much pain by just halfway through the show, but I managed. I just need to prepare more before I go out with Lidocaine patches or painkillers or something. I’m waiting for fear of failure to subside somewhat. I’m waiting for fear of pain to subside. Both of these will still be there, but I want to have such a steady foundation that even those fears in the extreme won’t rock me to my core like they have in recent years. I think I’m there, which is why I’ve started to do things again. I’m bored as hell which gives me no fear. I’m sharing all of this here, which should be terrifying but I actually just find it liberating. I am who I am, I have been through what I’ve been through, and that’s OK because it just is. There’s no reason to beat it up because I wish things had been different. So, I’ve been waiting for me to catch up to myself. Now here I am.

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