This has been a very long year. My New Year’s Eve last year was spent in Weill-Cornell’s psych unit and was thoroughly uneventful. My neck and back were broken because I had tried to kill myself in November. I made a lot of people worry, and they still do. I threatened them with loss, and that’s an awful feeling. I made a promise to myself not to end up back in the hospital this year, and I followed through. The last couple of years I had a handful of stints in the hospital so this is the longest I’ve been “free” for a long time. It seemed like if I left I’d just end up back there later. The last hospitalization was the longest and also the worst. It ate four holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. This year I don’t really have the energy for much but I did get to Christmas, and that was a big improvement over last year. I can do something tonight if I want to. Continue reading “Enthusiasm!”
My emotions are always running high. I can feel my brain twisting and shaping my experiences, thoughts, and interactions, often to my detriment and those around me. Any fight can start out innocuously and turn into a very real fear of total abandonment. It is an annoying situation to be in when I really don’t like to depend on anyone. So I’m of two minds, the desire to depend on people and the terror of losing that support, which makes relationships very complicated. The book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” sums it up well. Both of those things can be true at the same time, and they very often are. This makes for a tumultuous home life. I love Husband, but sometimes I hate him and I am also deeply shaken by a fear of him leaving. There are still a lot of unresolved issues from the last few years, things we haven’t had time or weren’t ready to work through. Continue reading “I hate you, don’t leave me”
“Sometimes you can only find Heaven by slowly backing away from Hell.” – from Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher (More great Carrie quotes)
And now Debbie Reynolds has died. That is truly heartbreaking. At least she didn’t have to live with losing her daughter, I suppose. While I was with friends last night, we looked at a list of everyone we’ve lost this year. (Popsugar: Celebrities We Lost in 2016) Big names, names we loved and cherished. It is amazing how attached we become to these great people, even if we never actually knew them in the flesh. It speaks to the power of art and celebrity, of accomplishment and adoration. We were all joking that they knew something we didn’t. I suggested it was a form of the rapture coming to take them before dealing with whatever disaster is heading our way. (Hurricane Trump, for instance) If I think about it that way, it’s a little less depressing. Except for us. We’re screwed. Continue reading “The 2016 Celebrity Rapture, Friendship, and other Oddities”
Carrie Fisher’s death hit me harder than I thought it would. She was a trailblazer, an accomplished author, actress, speaker, general badass. I was drawn to her after I discovered her autobiographical books, the first being Wishful Drinking. Like the Bloggess said, “She never lost her battle with mental illness.” Carrie wasn’t afraid to share everything, including her very intimate battles with her MI, and part of that instinct has to come from wanting to help others. She emboldened me to seek the right treatments when I was really desperate and I didn’t feel so alone when I was reading her books. She became a friend to me in a time of need. I wish we could have known her longer. Continue reading “Loss, grief, family, future”
Source: Stay afraid. But do it anyway.
The Bloggess said everything I wanted to and more. RIP Carrie, we will all miss you.
Christmas wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. It wasn’t easy either. I’ve given myself permission to take breaks to recharge just because I haven’t been around people much lately. Husband was helpful and supportive, and asleep. A lot of what I expected came true though. People were concerned about what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been because they haven’t seen me, and they were concerned about the future and how I’ll function. These are all valid concerns, ones that I share. But I’m trying to be positive. Things are different for me than they used to be. For one, the ECT really changed my brain and I don’t think that’s something that just goes away. Continue reading “Expectations and Regression”
It’s a beautiful, sunny day on Long Island. The tree is up and lit, the sun is streaming through the giant windows of my parents’ house, I’ve been awake since 5:30, and only my mother and the dogs are awake. We have been discussing random things, including where to move next year when our lease is up, my upcoming school program, and the blog. Continue reading “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!”